May I be completely candid with you? Well, I will anyways, because it's my nature.
I've had my heart broken in the last 14 months or so. No, not by my husband. But by my 2 oldest children. It's a long story, and if you'd like to hear it, just ask and I'll share. But for today's purposes, we'll skip all that and get to the point.
I was unaware when I became a parent, that the potential for my heart to be broken, literally, was possible. I discovered for the 2nd time several weeks ago that not only is it possible, it's real. I think to some degree or another, every mom assumes that their children will love them forever, never do anything to cause them heartache, and smother them with kisses and hugs without fail. However, with each year that passes, I'm discovering that the pain is a little worse with each slight. It starts with dropping them off at church or a friends, and they don't even wait to say goodbye. Then it's when you make her mad and she says "Bad mommy! I mad at you!" And then they hit pre-teens, and Lord help us! At my house, I get the sigh, the eyes to heaven (to my 11 year old, that is NOT the same thing as rolling her eyes), and the talking back. Sometimes I look at one of them and think " Who ARE you??"
Anyway, this is the heartache I'm talking about. The one where you've poured your very heart and soul into 1 or 2 or more children, who in this case, are not yours and they throw it back in your face.
This is a story I'd like to keep to myself. Because in some ways, at least for me, it feels like I failed at something. That I did something wrong. But here is what I KNOW. I know that God blessed me with 2 gifts that I didn't have to birth (he, he). I know that he put me in this place, at this time for a purpose. One that I can't see any more than any other parent can. I know that I believe in a god that is bigger and stronger than any thing, and any person that seeks to tear my family apart. And I know that I didn't fail at anything. And here's why. It's not about me! To some degree, it's not even about the kids. It's about the truth I choose to speak into their lives, and what they do with it. They have the choice, and some lessons.... shew! Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.
I had a conversation this morning with my daughter, and was left with a heart much lifted. The pain is there, the mistrust is there. But the lesson learned is SO much more! Praise God for that. Praise God for a heart that has learned to listen through the pain to be able to speak life and forgiveness into my children in a most visible way. In a way that they can see the truth and not just hear it. As I write this, tears come up in my eyes at the blessing I know it is. And I pray hard that this lesson stick in their hearts, so that they know the truth, and that this truth will set them free in a way that it couldn't just yet, if they hadn't made the choices that they did. I pray that they will be able to see the truth and hold tight to it, even when it hurts. Even when a relationship is lost or damaged. I pray that this will be a lesson in how to repair the relationships that mean the most the way God intended for us.
So what will you learn when it hurts the most? And I'm thinking that maybe it will hurt a little less, when we focus on what God wants to show us in the middle. God bless your week!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
I was thinking today, and decided to try and put some words on paper. (I know, yikes, right?) It's been awhile, but here we go... please bear with my sometimes jumbled thoughts.
If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge reader. I LOVE to read. I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on, and fast. With that being said, I've been searching for some answers to questions that have come up in my life in the last couple of years. Questions that burden me, wear on me, frustrate me, anger me, etc. But here is what I'm finding. No book that I've read, no matter how amazingly written, no matter how wonderful the author is, has been able to give me the solid answers I'm looking for.
So here's my question. Where do you go for answers to life's questions? To a friend? To a book? To the internet? Now before you misunderstand, books and the rest are a great wealth of information. But if I seek to know God, if I seek to truly know him, and have a relationship with him; if I seek to line up my life with his word, why then do I go anywhere else, but to Him?
"Don't be burdened with the needless weight of anxiety about the future... Refuse to fret about things which we have no control over. Rejoice in God's sustaining grace--- one day at a time. Matthew 6:34
What do you hear echo when you read those verses? May I share what I hear? Listen closely. "The needless weight of anxiety" burdens my future. I am naturally an anxious person. I am (yes, I admit it) a major control freak. But my future is burdened by my anxious heart! Something else. It says to REFUSE to fret. Refuse. Not, "don't think about it too much", not "maybe you shouldn't". It says to refuse to fret about things which we have no control over. It's a specific directive. Those things I fear, those things I worry over; those are the very things he insists I trust him with. And this last thing, I did hear from a friend today, though in a different way, spoken over my heart very clearly. It says "rejoice in God's sustaining grace" It does not say "hope for"; it doesn't say "wish for". It doesn't even say "ask for". It says to rejoice... as if it already is.
What does that mean in your life? Does that touch something inside you? Do you recognize yourself in me, and my tendancy to skip over the details? Here is where I find myself. I find myself trying not to fret. And I fail, over, and over and over again. I can't do it by myself! He's not surprised by the things I do, or the way I feel about them. His heart aches right along with mine, at the frustration I feel inside of myself. He cries with me, and laughs with me and touches my spirit, when I didn't think anything could. And yes. He touches me through books, and the words to a song, and more than ever through the words of other people. The lesson I am learning, though, is to seek him first. To write his words on my heart. To ease my anxious heart through his calming peace. To REJOICE in his sustaining grace, so that I can literally be held up by his hands and not my own. My arms are weak and tired. I have nothing left of myself.
May I ask a favor of you? Will you be willing to refuse to fret about those things in your life that you truly have no control over? Whether it's your kids, or your financial situation, or your marriage? I'm not speaking from a lofty place, trust me. I'm in the hole with you. Will you do it with me? Will you seek his face in every moment of your day? Including the crazy homeschool moments, sitting down for lunch or dinner. Cleaning up the kitchen at the end of the night? Will you encourage me, and I'll do my best to do the same for you?
Here is my heart. I hope you hear it clearly, and not misunderstand. I'm so, so thankful for each and every person in my life. I'm no more blessed than before. I just think I'm learning to be watching for those blessing a little closer.
Be blessed this weekend. Be encouraged. Seek His face first.
Jen
If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge reader. I LOVE to read. I'll read just about anything I can get my hands on, and fast. With that being said, I've been searching for some answers to questions that have come up in my life in the last couple of years. Questions that burden me, wear on me, frustrate me, anger me, etc. But here is what I'm finding. No book that I've read, no matter how amazingly written, no matter how wonderful the author is, has been able to give me the solid answers I'm looking for.
So here's my question. Where do you go for answers to life's questions? To a friend? To a book? To the internet? Now before you misunderstand, books and the rest are a great wealth of information. But if I seek to know God, if I seek to truly know him, and have a relationship with him; if I seek to line up my life with his word, why then do I go anywhere else, but to Him?
"Don't be burdened with the needless weight of anxiety about the future... Refuse to fret about things which we have no control over. Rejoice in God's sustaining grace--- one day at a time. Matthew 6:34
What do you hear echo when you read those verses? May I share what I hear? Listen closely. "The needless weight of anxiety" burdens my future. I am naturally an anxious person. I am (yes, I admit it) a major control freak. But my future is burdened by my anxious heart! Something else. It says to REFUSE to fret. Refuse. Not, "don't think about it too much", not "maybe you shouldn't". It says to refuse to fret about things which we have no control over. It's a specific directive. Those things I fear, those things I worry over; those are the very things he insists I trust him with. And this last thing, I did hear from a friend today, though in a different way, spoken over my heart very clearly. It says "rejoice in God's sustaining grace" It does not say "hope for"; it doesn't say "wish for". It doesn't even say "ask for". It says to rejoice... as if it already is.
What does that mean in your life? Does that touch something inside you? Do you recognize yourself in me, and my tendancy to skip over the details? Here is where I find myself. I find myself trying not to fret. And I fail, over, and over and over again. I can't do it by myself! He's not surprised by the things I do, or the way I feel about them. His heart aches right along with mine, at the frustration I feel inside of myself. He cries with me, and laughs with me and touches my spirit, when I didn't think anything could. And yes. He touches me through books, and the words to a song, and more than ever through the words of other people. The lesson I am learning, though, is to seek him first. To write his words on my heart. To ease my anxious heart through his calming peace. To REJOICE in his sustaining grace, so that I can literally be held up by his hands and not my own. My arms are weak and tired. I have nothing left of myself.
May I ask a favor of you? Will you be willing to refuse to fret about those things in your life that you truly have no control over? Whether it's your kids, or your financial situation, or your marriage? I'm not speaking from a lofty place, trust me. I'm in the hole with you. Will you do it with me? Will you seek his face in every moment of your day? Including the crazy homeschool moments, sitting down for lunch or dinner. Cleaning up the kitchen at the end of the night? Will you encourage me, and I'll do my best to do the same for you?
Here is my heart. I hope you hear it clearly, and not misunderstand. I'm so, so thankful for each and every person in my life. I'm no more blessed than before. I just think I'm learning to be watching for those blessing a little closer.
Be blessed this weekend. Be encouraged. Seek His face first.
Jen
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